Alot of things happening with me
my life feels so surreal in both good and bad ways
I keep getting good news and bad news simultaineously
I just want to prove myself...
I know Im worth it.
Lately Ive been stressing out and clenching my jaw when I sleep. I wake up in pain.
But now Ive been doing it not realising it right away just..any time during the day
just a constant clench release clench release...thing.
I feel like I may break.
I dont know what to do..
sometimes I just feel like giving up.. but I cant do that just yet.
Im going to fight for what I think is right... what I think could be.
even if the other person doesnt see it yet.. they may. And that slight chance keeps me slightly happy.
photos of them looking wonderful.
*sigh* I just want to see them in person.
okay. that is a lie. I want more than that. I want to touch their skin and hug them and listen to their heart beating. Listen to them inhale...feeling their chest rise and lower.
I want that.
Picked for a contest out of ..how many people? really?
Its a great opportunity. I want to share it with themmmm. They are important and supported and helped me get to this point. Dont they see..
I dont have others to go with me tho. Realisticly there isnt another who Id want to go there with. Who else would I trust? who else would I enjoy being with. Who else would I want to try so hard for. Them going would just make me want to try my best. Even not as my model...
even if they just went. If they went Id feel like I could win it.
I want to show them they're THAT important to me.
maybe they dont realise.
worst off- maybe they do..and still..
even while writing this. JEEZ.
Poor father. Hurt. Feeling hurt inside too.
Frigg.. I honestly dont think you deserve this. You were finally being happy. You seemed proud of yourself..
Dont let this get you too down. You get low so easily..
Working today.. I cant focus.
4-10.. I cant go there and forget about all of this. It still buzzes in my head and ears. I cannot focus.
Theres still a chance. I feel it. I wouldnt be so sure of it if not. I feel loved still..
somehow. I do.
You're either hiding it or trying to forget the feeling.
This new me wants to start with the new you.
You say you're different. Then I want to get to know that different person!!!! Please.
Fine if everything is over and done then.
Nice to meet you.. my name is..
Start new. totally.
Start.. like just the start. and see.
And if its not good then FINE.
but I bet it would be..... Id so bet on it.
okay enough of this! mope mope mope.
I have to get ready to go.
*****sorry these posts are friends only!